Infertility, miscarriage, stillbirth or losing a living child... All of these are a special kind of pain. I have had 4 miscarriages and have 3 living children, whom I'm deeply grateful for every day. I've walked with friends going through infertility. I have a new dear friend who lost a son at 24 weeks. It is a special kind of pain, friends.
This third miscarriage was so difficult because I didn't think anything was wrong. I had all the fun symptoms of early pregnancy. I had just experienced an early miscarriage the month before and was shocked to learn I was pregnant the following month. I figured the chances of two miscarriages in a row were pretty low (little did I know I would experience a third consecutive miscarriage 5 months later).
In fact, when I had passed the 8 week mark and had no signs of anything being wrong, I truly believed in my heart that this pregnancy was going great. Then, I went in for my first appointment: a 9 week ultrasound. I wasn't panicked. I was excited.
I saw the little baby wiggling around on the screen. I saw the quick flutter of his or her's little beating heart. My excitement, though, was quickly overshadowed by the slight frown on my midwife's face. She began to ask about my dates-- was I certain I was a little past 9 weeks along? I told her about the miscarriage the previous month, so yes, I was certain.
My baby was not showing 9 weeks gestational age. My midwife continued to speak, but I don't even know what she said. I nodded quietly for a long time and left the office, promising to follow-up with blood work several more times that week.
The next few days were spent in desperate prayer. Prayer that God would work a miracle and grow our little baby. The wait was excruciating but within a few days, the scientific verdict was in: my HCG was not rising and barring a miracle of God, we were going to lose this baby.
We continued to pray for a miracle. My husband has tremendous faith and he believed God would intervene. But, He didn't. On Labor Day, I experienced hours of pain--they seemed endless and this was not my first, or second, or third rodeo. By that evening, we had lost our little baby, the same one whose heart I had seen beating with life a week before.
Friends, I know there are many, many of you who may read this who have also experienced the depth of pain that comes with loss or infertility. Every life is sacred, from the moment it is conceived. God knits each of us together in the womb. After the initial waves of grief and the period of intense mourning, you ultimately come to the place where you've questioned, you've yelled, you've wept every tear you can weep and you know you have a choice: You can either blame God or you can praise God. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that God could have just spoken the word, and my baby would have lived. For reasons I will never understand, He didn't. So, how can I still continue to serve Him? How does one move on? Through the past two years--the miscarriages and walking through many sicknesses in my physical body--I've wrestled with God and he's quietly and tenderly spoken things to my spirit and brought me to truths in his Word that I'd like to share.
1. Being a follower of God does not guarantee us a life free of trials. In the same way, neither are trials always a reflection of not having enough faith.
Jesus said it "rains on the just and the unjust" (Matthew 5:45). It is simply part of living in a fallen world full of sin, grief, pain, suffering, and death. It wasn't even God's original plan. But, for reasons we may not understand at the time or may never understand, God permits us to suffer at times. There are many examples of unanswered prayer in the Bible. David pleaded with God for his own son's life. Job went through such horrific suffering that the Bible says he sat on the ground for 7 days without speaking. The apostle Paul repeatedly asked God to take away a "thorn in his flesh," yet it remained. Yet, when we think of men of true faith, all these men come to mind. So it is not for lack of faith that we endure trials and suffering. God, however, can use these sufferings in our lives.
2. Although He can, God often does not take us from the suffering.
However, He does promise to walk with those who believe in Him through it. As David said, "Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil. Your rod and staff, they comfort me" (Psalms 23:4). Phillipians 4:7 says, "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
When these three guys--Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego were about to be thrown into the fiery furnace for refusing to bow down to an idol, they told King Nebuchadnezzar, "If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O King. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O King, that we will not serve your gods..." (Daniel 3:17-18).
Do we have an "even if he does not" attitude? Certainly, we should still pray for miracles. God does them all the time! He may take you out of that fire with not a hair scorched on your head. But, are we so radical that we're willing to say, God, we trust your plan for our lives. Even if it's not our plan, or what we want, or not in our timing. Even if you do not. Job said, "Though you slay me, yet I will hope in him" (Job 12:13).
This song based on the book of Job has spoken volumes to me this past year. "Though you slay me, yet I will praise you. Though you take from me, I will bless your name. Though you ruin me, still I will worship. Sing a song to the One who's all I need. My heart and flesh may fail, the earth below give way, but with my eyes, I will see the Lord. Lifted high on that day, behold, the Lamb who was slain, and I'll know every tear was worth it all."
3. In suffering, we can learn to be completely sustained by God's grace and strength.
Above all else, I have learned this principle. I wish I could tell you that my relationship with God would be the same today if I hadn't gone through the suffering of the past few years, but I cannot. It is only through this deep suffering at times that I have learned to truly listen to God's still, quiet voice. To rest in His peace that transcends all understanding.
C.S. Lewis said, "We can ignore even pleasure. But pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pain: it is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world."
― The Problem of Pain
Paul, who suffered greatly throughout his life, said this: "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' ... This is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)
I believe World War II Admiral Charles Nimitz echoed Paul's sentiments when he said, "I asked God for strength that I might achieve. I was made weak that I might learn humbly to obey. I asked for health that I might do greater things. I was given infirmity that I might do better things. I asked for riches that I might be happy. I was given poverty that I might be wise. I asked for power that I might have the praise of men. I was given weakness that I might feel the need of God. I asked for all things that I might enjoy life. I was given life that I might enjoy all things. I got nothing that I asked for, but everything I hoped for. Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered. I am, among all men, most richly blessed."
In ending this post, I challenge you to take 5 minutes and listen to this. Maybe your trials or suffering aren't at all like mine. Maybe you aren't even going through a trial now, but you will. Maybe you aren't even sure if this whole God thing is legit and you have a lot of questions. That's okay- God meets you right where you're at. I don't have all the answers either, but I can certainly tell you God's presence has surrounded me in a very real way and I have seen the undeniable proof of His existence and goodness all around me, even in the midst of pain.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qyUPz6_TciY
1. Being a follower of God does not guarantee us a life free of trials. In the same way, neither are trials always a reflection of not having enough faith.
Jesus said it "rains on the just and the unjust" (Matthew 5:45). It is simply part of living in a fallen world full of sin, grief, pain, suffering, and death. It wasn't even God's original plan. But, for reasons we may not understand at the time or may never understand, God permits us to suffer at times. There are many examples of unanswered prayer in the Bible. David pleaded with God for his own son's life. Job went through such horrific suffering that the Bible says he sat on the ground for 7 days without speaking. The apostle Paul repeatedly asked God to take away a "thorn in his flesh," yet it remained. Yet, when we think of men of true faith, all these men come to mind. So it is not for lack of faith that we endure trials and suffering. God, however, can use these sufferings in our lives.
2. Although He can, God often does not take us from the suffering.
However, He does promise to walk with those who believe in Him through it. As David said, "Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil. Your rod and staff, they comfort me" (Psalms 23:4). Phillipians 4:7 says, "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
When these three guys--Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego were about to be thrown into the fiery furnace for refusing to bow down to an idol, they told King Nebuchadnezzar, "If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O King. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O King, that we will not serve your gods..." (Daniel 3:17-18).
Do we have an "even if he does not" attitude? Certainly, we should still pray for miracles. God does them all the time! He may take you out of that fire with not a hair scorched on your head. But, are we so radical that we're willing to say, God, we trust your plan for our lives. Even if it's not our plan, or what we want, or not in our timing. Even if you do not. Job said, "Though you slay me, yet I will hope in him" (Job 12:13).
This song based on the book of Job has spoken volumes to me this past year. "Though you slay me, yet I will praise you. Though you take from me, I will bless your name. Though you ruin me, still I will worship. Sing a song to the One who's all I need. My heart and flesh may fail, the earth below give way, but with my eyes, I will see the Lord. Lifted high on that day, behold, the Lamb who was slain, and I'll know every tear was worth it all."
3. In suffering, we can learn to be completely sustained by God's grace and strength.
Above all else, I have learned this principle. I wish I could tell you that my relationship with God would be the same today if I hadn't gone through the suffering of the past few years, but I cannot. It is only through this deep suffering at times that I have learned to truly listen to God's still, quiet voice. To rest in His peace that transcends all understanding.
C.S. Lewis said, "We can ignore even pleasure. But pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pain: it is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world."
― The Problem of Pain
Paul, who suffered greatly throughout his life, said this: "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' ... This is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)
I believe World War II Admiral Charles Nimitz echoed Paul's sentiments when he said, "I asked God for strength that I might achieve. I was made weak that I might learn humbly to obey. I asked for health that I might do greater things. I was given infirmity that I might do better things. I asked for riches that I might be happy. I was given poverty that I might be wise. I asked for power that I might have the praise of men. I was given weakness that I might feel the need of God. I asked for all things that I might enjoy life. I was given life that I might enjoy all things. I got nothing that I asked for, but everything I hoped for. Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered. I am, among all men, most richly blessed."
In ending this post, I challenge you to take 5 minutes and listen to this. Maybe your trials or suffering aren't at all like mine. Maybe you aren't even going through a trial now, but you will. Maybe you aren't even sure if this whole God thing is legit and you have a lot of questions. That's okay- God meets you right where you're at. I don't have all the answers either, but I can certainly tell you God's presence has surrounded me in a very real way and I have seen the undeniable proof of His existence and goodness all around me, even in the midst of pain.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qyUPz6_TciY
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